It’s my birthday month again. I don’t know how I feel about turning 28, or turning a year older.
It’s May 2nd now… I will be turning 28 in 9 days…
Life is a little unstable this year. But it’s similar situation for everyone with everything going on in the world.
But I am grateful to be alive, healthy and well.
Sorry, I have been so down on here lately, and most of my posts are either sad or heartbreaking.
I was trying to understand what was going on with me and writing them out to process the crazy emotional roller coaster I had been on.
And the craziest thing… I still love him. After every posts I had written, I forgave him. I forgave him for not understanding me. I forgave him for not meeting me half way. I forgave him for all of the sleepless nights and heartaches which almost ruined me.
I guess that’s love is. Forgiveness. Acceptance.
Some days, I do want him to feel the same hurt that I felt… but I would write it out and the next day, I forgave him and moved on.
Honestly, I just want him to be happy now… even if it’s not with me. There is always a part of me who will always be bitter at how things turn out, but essentially, there is a bigger part of me who just wishes to see him do well and be happy in life more than anything else.
He was an important part of my life. He still is. I can’t deny it and keep on pretending it’s not true.
Anyway, I have finally left him alone now. I decided to just check on him from afar and care for him silently.
I am turning a year older… I need to do things differently than how I had done in the past year… so yeah.
Apart from my sad love life… my life has been a bit calm and at the same time, busy.
I’ve started learning French and Spanish. I’ve starting cooking more and eating more healthy also. I am also taking care of my skin well. I have stopped drinking and smoking for a while now.
Last Monday, I had my Chevening scholarship interview , and now I need to continue applying for universities and taking this more seriously now. Work life is crazy too. Doing three part time jobs now as well as doing a few here and there freelance content writing jobs.
I don’t know how I am managing them all at all.
This month will be crazier for sure. I will be answering my IELTS in June, so I need to make time for exam preps also.
Hahaha. Even writing these out is stressing me out a bit.
With COVID-19 still going on, still stuck at home.
But I am grateful.
My life is busy but not hectic like before.
I am still having sleepless nights but I am sleeping longer these days than I did the past year.
I feel more normal… like myself. I am sad but not depressed. I am stressed but not high-strung. I am still my cynical self, but more optimistic version. ;)
All in all. I think I am doing okay considering everything.
I am not that excited to turn 28, but I am also looking forward to what this year will bring to me.
I don’t know what true happiness feel like.
But right now, I feel content. I feel at peace. I mean for a stress-addict like me, there is always a little turmoil inside. But I feel at peace with everyone in my life.
To anyone from my life reading this,
thank you. I’ve stopped hiding this blog, but it’s not exactly public also. But yeah…
Thank you. Thank you for being in my life. I am grateful for you.
To my family,
I know I am not the openly expressing my affections type with you guys. I don’t know why. I can say I love you to so many other people, but with my family, it’s always awkward. But I am always an action person more than words person, and I hope you guys heard all of my I-love-yous through my actions towards you guys.
To Val — if he ever comes across this one day,
Je suis désolé. I hope you can forgive me. Tu me manques tout le temps et je t’aime toujours. I hope you never forget that. I wish I was less broken and learned to trust you more while we were together. I wish I made you happier also.
I know you think I don’t forgive you because I don’t change my mind about you. No matter how hurt I felt by your actions, there is always a part of me who understands you right away. I always forgive you, Val because at the end of the days, we are just humans — making mistakes and learning, and trying to figure out our ways through this crazy life. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my first love.
I love you. I am so proud of you. Thank you for always pushing yourself and for never giving up on life. If 25-year-old Chit saw you, she wouldn’t believe she could get here. You’ve tried to live your life fully in the past few years and there were a lot of ups and downs, but you’ve lived, Chit. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re trying your best, and I hope you keep pushing yourself to truly live a life that you won’t regret one day. Happy Early Birthday, Chitskie. I love you and I hope I learn to love you better and more.
I plan to enter 28 as peacefully as I can. Last year birthday was wild. crazy. It was also one of the best birthdays I’ve had.
But now, I just want things to be as calm as it could ever be.