A Year Ago…
A year ago, you came into my life.
It was unexpected and you swept into my life like a whirlwind.
You were supposed to be just a memory.
We were supposed to be just a magical memory that we experienced together when life stood still for a moment to allow us to cross path in an unimaginable way.
You were my first love.
First real love.
It was exciting. Intoxicating.
I suppressed the realist in me, and forced her to take a break.
The romantic in me ignored all of the red flags. They were there. A lot of them.
I saw all of them. I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.
That was probably the first mistake I made.
The realist in me is never wrong about anything that had happened in my life. I knew it was too good to be true.
You were perfect. You were kind. You were attentive. You were respectful.
You were too good to be true.
I am not that lucky in life.
You were just so amazing. That entire story of us on that first two days was like a movie.
It should have ended as a single movie also.
When I was about to leave your city, I wrote you my first letter. It was a goodbye letter. The realist wrote that letter after the romantic cried her heart out for five hours.
But I accepted the situation as it is, and I thanked you for everything, and wished you farewell.
Our story was just supposed to be that.
A whirlwind story for me.
A mini break for you, from your life.
It was uncomplicated. It was a simple girl-meet-guy and had an amazing moment together.
A movie with a sad but realistic ending.
The second mistake I made was staying in touch with you.
You were all over me in the beginning. It was a new experience for me… nobody has shown interest in me in the way you do. You intoxicated me. I was enamored with you so much that I ignored all of your disappearances on the weekends and holidays.
I wish you had told me about her before I left.
I would never have let the romantic took over me like that.
We should have never met on that second day. You should have never given me that gift.
You should have never led me on.
But you did.
But I understand you also.
I forgive you for all the time you took advantage of my inexperienced heart.
So many memories of these moments that I tried to forget. I barely remembered some of it now also, because I don’t want to dwell on them and turn me bitter.
Maybe that is my third mistake.
My mistake was trying to forget memories which should have been my reminders.
If I hadn’t tried to forget them, I would have remembered how you treated me and put me in archive when your life was good. Those summer months when all was well in your life.
If I had remembered, I never would have made the decision to come and see you again.
That was my fourth mistake.
Coming to see you. Risking things… my emotional and mental state… just to see you for brief moments within 6 days.
I don’t like thinking about those months from my realist point of view. It forced me to acknowledge how much you took advantage of my love and understanding for you.
It’s my fault though. I shouldn’t have tried to write a sequel to our movie.
But it was amazing too. You were still so amazing.
But I also remembered how I spent some of the days crying because you didn’t fully understand how hard it was for me… logistically and mentally to travel across the world just to see you for 6 days, and you just could not bother to give me more time. You forced me into your schedule, and I agreed to it since before I came… so I just didn’t make any more problem.
Honestly, I hate remembering these. I don’t like remembering all of the bone-crushing disappointments and heartaches.
I’m thankful for all the good moments and ugly moments with you. I would probably do the same thing again today because it’s you.
And I know, you love me.
But I realize… you will never love me as much as you love yourself.
You love that I was willing to take risks for you.
You love that I love you a lot.
You love that I didn’t acknowledge how you took advantage of my heart.
You also know that I will love you for a long time, and it will take me years to finally move on from you.
I love you more than you deserved it.
But today, when I look back… I remembered the girl who was waiting for you by that giant flower on a sunny spring Friday evening.
She was brave for meeting you.
She was brave for following you home.
She was brave for opening her heart and her soul to you.
And she was brave for falling in love with you.
I keep forgetting about her. She was the one who came to see you again on those rainy autumn days also.
a year after, she is rolling the final credits on this movie…
but this will always serve as a reminder to be brave and live life.