It’s 3:25am — really early morning on my 28th birthday. I honestly should be sleeping because tomorrow (today) I am preparing food to make delivery to my families and friends around town for my birthday, and I need to go to office at 10am for a short meeting and to send food to whoever’s at the office… basically going to be a long day.
Sometimes I wonder why I do these things… going to extra lengths to put a smile on people’s faces.
Anyway, I actually wanted to talk about mistakes. Today, someone messaged me saying that I shouldn’t pay for someone’s mistakes. I shouldn’t be paying for his mistake too, he said. I didn’t understand it.
But it led me to think a lot about life and mistakes, and how people deal with their mistakes.
Just now, I couldn’t sleep so I went to check the Facebook of someone I really shouldn’t be checking if I want some peace, but I did it anyway because I’m stupid, and I’m a masochist. It’s just a simple post about a movie they are watching… but the tone of the post gave me a heartache. I didn’t expect that heartache to still come but it did, so maybe it means I am still not fully over that person.
That post made me realized that it was a mistake… what I had with that person. I didn’t know why I tolerated it or endured the entire year of heartache and pain… especially just for a few moments with that person.
I felt angry. I felt angry at that person. I wanted to lash out and made that person feel what I had to endure and I couldn’t handle the fact that person is just enjoying his life and moving on.
But then I realized that it was actually my mind trying to deal with the fact that I felt angry at myself and it didn’t know how to deal with my own mistake.
So enters, “paying for your mistake”.
Me reacting to the post and instantly tearing up in anger is paying for that mistake.
Me crying for an hour and trying to swallow my cries so that my mom wouldn’t hear them from the other side of the room is paying for that mistake.
Me messaging that person and saying that “everyone is paying for our mistakes in our lives, and that I am paying for mine” is paying for that mistake.
Me going to Facebook and giving a “like” to that post so that he knows I saw it is paying for that mistake.
Me trying to calm myself down and writing about it here is paying for that mistake.
To be honest, what we had was a mistake but I never regretted it. However, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. I think I never dealt with it from this perspective.
I guess I need to accept that it was a mistake, and not a love story as I made myself to believe.
He made a mistake with me. I was the mistake.
I made a mistake with him when I accepted the condition of his situation.
Maybe when we were just in our own world, it was beautiful and tragic.
But we can’t run away from the fact that we were making a mistake.
I still didn’t regret a thing about that mistake though… maybe I should because I’m clearly paying for it!
But honestly, I don’t. Because I lived life. I took risks. I challenged myself. I put myself in positions I never thought I would. I sacrificed things.
It is a mistake, but life is about making mistakes and learning from it, right?
If you ask me now, if I would do it again… probably not. If I would risk everything again to have brief moments with him, no... I don’t think I will.
But because it was a mistake… I am paying for it, but I am fucking learning and putting myself first, thank fuck.
The problem for me is always the forgiving part. I don’t know how to forgive myself properly.
Maybe this is another level of paying for mistakes in life also… dealing with your own guilt and doing the uncomfortable thing of facing it straight on, and learning to accept that it was your first intimate and sexual experience, so you fell hard for that person and he turned out to be the wrong person for you but you went through with it because you were just a dumb girl and it was your first love so you wanted to fight for it.
So deal with it, Chit! You maybe strong and smart in many ways, but you are also dumb and gullible.
Learning to accept that fact and forgiving myself would be my special ultimate payment for this mistake.
I don’t even know what I wrote make sense to be honest.
It’s 4:25am now, but I felt much better. I am no longer crying, and I am not upset anymore.
So yay.
Happy 28, Chit!
Here’s to another year of better and smarter choices, and to protecting yourself and heart so much harder than you have ever done in your entire life.
Also, to another year of journaling feelings and emotions to process things better and being mentally healthy! 💛
