Just need to write this out…
I spent the entire night crying because I let myself get hurt by the same thing which hurt me a year ago. It’s frustrating to me that I am letting that same person and the action of that person to hurt me the same way, and that I am still reacting and being shocked that that person could still hurt me.
I always give people the benefit of the doubt whenever I can. I honestly believe that everyone is innately good deep down. I don’t think that anyone is born evil, (except if they are psychopaths) and that what makes people “bad” is our actions, traumas, environments that we grew up in and the habits that we pick up on the way while surviving in life. I believe people are capable of changing too when they realize how much of their behaviors hurt the people around them.
I always believe that when people hurt each other, it’s always unintentional or it’s a lapse in judgement.
So I forgave people. I forgave every single person who have hurt me. Wronged me. Used me. Took advantage of me. Whether they are family members, best friends, closed colleagues or someone I got involved romantically.
I was a horrible person before my dad passed away. I was selfish. I only think for myself. I didn’t really care how my actions and behaviors can hurt the people around me. Even when I realized I hurt them, I might feel remorse but I barely acknowledged the depth of the pain I had caused to people in my life.
After my dad passed away, I tried to change myself. But I am no saint. I made a lot of mistakes in my life too — some I would like to forget, and some I try not to do them again. I hurt a lot of people I love also. I hurt my mom. My dad. My sister. My best friends. Everyone that are still in my life, I have hurt all of them at some point, but I try my best to not hurt them again, and to always be aware of how my actions could have both positive and negative effects on them. The only person that I can’t make it up to is my dad, and I never wanted to feel guilty like the way I did after my dad was gone, so I try harder with everyone else.
Maybe it’s my naivety or just wanting so hard to believe in the good in everyone.
So when I forgave people who hurt me, I also ended up forgetting what they have done to me. I ended up letting them back into my life and had a shock to my system whenever they did the same thing over and over again.
Maybe this is my bad habit too. Maybe I should remind myself to protect myself more than believing the “good” in others.