Half of the time, trying to understand my mind has been the biggest challenge.
Hi. I’m back here again. I honestly thought it would take me a while before I process things again, and write things out.
It’s 4:53am now. I woke up around 50 minutes ago when I had to force myself to wake up from a dream that was traumatic.
I’m somewhat glad that at least I didn’t wake up crying.
Because I remembered how I was when I was dealing with my grief of losing my late dad.
I would have dreams in which I saw my dad, or have interactions with my dad but I knew in my head he was gone also, so I always wake up crying.
So my dream.
It was not important, but the dream suffocated me.
It was reminding me of everything I know about him and this entire situation, but keep ignoring. And in my dream, I was touching him again, and the last time I felt his skin was 8 months ago.
It was the first time in my life to force myself to wake up from a dream because my heart could not take it anymore. I felt traumatized.
When I woke up… I couldn’t cry.
But I could feel my heart aching — trying its best to constrict the muscles by attempting to fill another void.
As I write this, I can still feel my heart aching.
I honestly don’t know what’s going on with me anymore. I’m trying my best to understand better by writing this out to understand my feelings and everything that is going on inside my head and my heart.
But deep down, I don’t think I’m not trying harder to let him go because I still want him in my life.
I think I am holding onto him because I can’t accept the fact that I have to let him become a stranger to me again, and I just couldn’t deal with it.
