Ever since I decided to take control of my life by putting myself in healthy routines in July, I also stopped using this place to write. I mean I was still writing and processing my emotions, but more in my journal, or in the notes on the phone.
A month and 6 days ago, I turned 29. The last year in my 20s. I don’t know if everything I am going through right now is the result of this whole “omg, I am in my 30s now” or this is just a long delayed response to the coup happening in my country.
2021 is fucking a lot. I haven’t felt this sad, alone or depressed since 2017. The way I question everything I do in my life… the way I doubt myself and how I carry myself… the way I judge my abilities… and how I always find ways to be disappointed in myself… it felt like I am living my 25th year in life all over again — being so confused about life and where I am in life, and what I should be doing.
The more I think about the worst or challenging years that I have lived through, the more I realized they were all odd years. Okay, I know… let me just say this first. It is so stupid. I am aware that this is dumb and the realist in me is rolling my eyes. But just, let me process this out. I have never talked about this out loud on this issue that I think about in the beginning of every odd year since 2011.
Hear me out, okay.
2011 — I turned 19, and then all things went to shit in my life. My dad became incredibly sick out of no where, and three months later, he was just gone from all of our lives.
2013 — I was 21. I can’t really remember anything horrible from that year, but I moved away from home to live in a foreign country alone for the first time ever in my life. To be fair, I don’t remember 2013 being bad, but it was just challenging I guess. The first time I had to figure out my life on my own, and be a fully grown adult.
2015 — I was 23. I was in my third year of university, and to be honest, I blocked out some of my university years because I remembered being so lost and anxious. I was not confident about anything in my life. But I remember 2015 of being a year of extremes. I went to Europe with my entire family for my cousin wedding. Social life in university was at the highest high. At the other end of the spectrum, I was under a lot of stress from school works, dealing with Thai students and their cliquey culture. My mother, my sister and I were feuding at every chance, and none of us had yet to deal with the loss of dad yet and we were blaming each other a lot for his death. During a fight, I remembered my mom telling me it was my fault that my dad was gone so soon, and that if I wasn’t that selfish by forcing my families to send me to school, maybe, he would have lived. (A long story that I don’t want to unravel anymore.) ANYWAY, like I said. A lot of extremes. lol.
2017 — I was 25. Oh god. I don’t even want to start. 2017 was just one of the lowest moments in my life. I was depressed. suicidal. constantly worried about everything. My graduating year. Stressed about life after university, not knowing what to do next. Fallen out with my best friends. Stopped speaking to one of my best friends for 3 months. Another two best friends for 6 months after going through major drama and misunderstanding.
2019 — I was 27. Right before I turned 27, I finally let myself live. I went to Europe again with my cousin for a month long trip, visiting 5 countries and 7 cities. I traveled solo for the first time ever in my life to a city in a country that I could barely understand the language. I met a stranger and lost my virginity to that stranger, and then fell in love with that stranger. I traveled across the world again to meet that stranger again, and then had my heart broken after that. I know… if I don’t do anything in life, I don’t do them. But when I decide to do something, I do everything at once too. I am an emotional decision maker, I guess. Apart from this, I was having a lot of problems at my day job because my side job was taking over my life. I was juggling so many things, and it was just a fucking chaotic year to be honest. If 2015 is the daughter, 2019 is definitely 2015’s mother.
And here we are…
2021–I guess it’s still early to say. But honestly, this year started out so fucking strong, but everything went to shit in my country with a coup since February. But I was still doing okay till I turned 29. Since my birthday this year, every relationship in my life broke down. Communication flows broke down beyond irreparable. Like I said, it’s still too early to tell, but seriously, the rest of the year is just going to be harder for me, I can just sense.
Howeverrrrrr, I am not the same person I was two years ago or even four years ago. I know how to balance more and know when to take a step back from everything to let myself breathe and reprogram myself. Lol, I DON'T KNOW.
But it’s interesting right?
That I only seemed to remember the odd years in my life as the most challenging or worst year of my life.
Wait, maybe it is not particularly the odd “year”, but the odd “age”?
Hmm.
