After everything I went through over the last decade — losing my dad; channeling all of my energy into making people around me happy because I believe that losing my dad was partially my fault; making sacrifices for my families because I didn’t want to disappoint them; emotionally investing into a lot of relationships in my life thinking I need to always try and fight for people because I was terrified of being abandoned again like how my dad “abandoned” me, and just distracting myself with work by working two jobs because I didn’t want to think about what was going on inside me — I thought I was finally ready to let stranger into my heart, my soul and my body.
In some ways, I was. I knew I was mentally stronger. Emotionally, still unstable, but I was in a better place than I ever was since the beginning of this decade.
I have talked a lot about losing my dad before and have processed them out as well, and I understand that it wasn’t my fault or that he didn’t abandon me.
It was just life.
But at 19, the guilt I felt probably manifest itself into my core and became the basis for every actions that I did, which later on translates into my personality.
If you ask me if I remember anything about my life before 2011, I vaguely remember it. I don’t remember the type of person I was. I don’t remember what kind of person I truly was.
But I will just tell you that I was probably an ignorant person, not aware of anything that was going on in my life and around me.
It’s probably true also. A lot of people in my past sometimes come up to me and tell me how I use to ‘bully’ them, or how I use to waste a lot of my parents’ money, or how I use to be more lively and free-er.
But everything that happened after I lost my dad, I remember. I remembered every wrong decisions I made. I remembered every mistakes I did. I remembered every good things I made. I remembered every actions. I also remembered that I was always pushing myself into extreme limits whether it’s in a good way or a bad way.
Maybe, the details are still vague, but I knew that in the past decade, I try. I try to be the daughter that my dad would be proud to have. I try to be the person I think should be better than the person I was before 2011.
But today, I look back… I don’t know if I was any better than before.
I am not self-loathing, but just trying to be honest with myself.
I know that I am trying to do right things. To be honest, I give up on being a good person because I really don’t understand what it means to be ‘a good person’ because it is so subjective depending on cultures, religions and the backgrounds you come from. This is a whole new topic that we can talk about.
Anyway, so yeah… right things.
Right things, for me, are actions and behaviors that don’t hurt other people and things that you should do for your life and your future.
2018 was an exhausting year. Not in a I-feel-exhausted way. It was just a physically demanding year. I was working two jobs full time. Even though, the second job was a part-time, I invested the rest of my time fully into it. I had no social life. I barely met up with my friends. I skipped every family gatherings. I wasn’t sleeping well. I was mentally and emotionally drained. Both jobs were demanding and it was like if I don’t do my tasks, there was no one else to cover for them.
So one of the decisions I made for 2019 is to live more. To enjoy life more. To work less. To open myself up more. To love. To live. To travel. To see the world. To do things which are out of my comfort zones. To take risks.
And I did.
2019 is life changing. In many ways.
I traveled across the world.
I took personal vacations for myself.
I took solo trips.
I met new people in new places.
I prioritize my families and friends over my work.
I prioritize myself over my work.
I made plans for my future.
I fell in love.
I let someone into my heart, my soul and my body.
I did everything I planned to do in 2019.
But did I make right choices this year? I don’t know.
I have been in more personal debts than I’d ever been in my life. Prioritizing my families and friends mean making sacrifices in my work, and losing connections with people at my work. Falling in love means entering an uncharted area that I had never been in. Letting someone into my heart, my soul and my body means breaking down all of the walls that I have built up over the years and giving away the control that I held so closed to me.
And I think I fell in love with the wrong person, or right person at the wrong time… but still it could mean wrong person basically. I was so focused on opening myself up to another person that I forgot to be cautious. I forgot to be careful with my heart and my soul.
Did I regret? No. It is still an amazing experience. He was a good person to me. He has his flaws but he tries his best to make me happy in his own ways. I overlook a lot of his actions because he was nice to me. I don’t know if I was being naive. Maybe we would have worked out if we were in different circumstances. To be honest, till today, I was willing to give up everything and willing to do anything to make it work because I don’t like giving up easily. And I fell hard for him. My heart would be breaking but I am still in love with him.
But I did regret hurting another person as a result of me falling in love with the person I fell in love with.
It wasn’t fair for that person. Sometimes the guilt that I feel for hurting that person is worse than the heartbreak I am experiencing.
Some days, I am angry at him for putting me into this position. Some days, I wish I had stopped when I knew what was going on. Some days, I am hurt that I wasn’t enough to make him love me more. Some days, I am devastatingly hurt that my action is hurting another person.
But most days, I just feel like okay, you did this, Chit. You are responsible for your actions and for every consequences that you have to face from these actions.
I don’t like blaming anyone. In general. I rather take responsibility for the wrong actions I did than what/who prompts me to do those actions.
But some days, I am tired of blaming myself also.
From this experience what I learn is that I need to learn to be easier on myself. I blame myself a lot for every wrong things in my life, whether it’s my fault or someone else.
As this decade comes to an end, all I wish is for me to leave all of my hurt and guilt behind.
I need to stop feeling guilty about my dad, and to stop thinking that I “ruined” my family’s lives.
I need to stop giving too much to people who aren’t willing to accept.
I need to stop making sacrifices for others before myself.
I need to work less and focus on what I truly want to do in the future.
I need to learn to enjoy life, but not to an extreme limit.
I need to learn how to set better boundaries.
I need to learn to stop giving so much and getting back so little.
I need to re-mend my heart again. I have experienced three major heartbreaks in this decade. Too many holes.
I was always worried that I was late in experiencing life. I think I need to work on myself first before I let another person comes into my life again.
The most important relationship I need to fix is the one I have with myself.
People think I am a negative person. In some ways, I am. I am a cynic because I know life does not go easy on me. It puts me into difficult situations and pushes me to do better and be better, and wants me to come out unscathed on the other side.
I may not be a positive person, but I am an extremely hopeful person. I am a hopeless romantic at heart. I believe in the good of humans. I give people the benefit of the doubts. I rarely doubt people when they say something because I believe that nobody is a bad person… maybe they have bad habits, but I don’t think people are bad. I believe that everyone has a good heart.
It’s sad because I am realizing that sometimes, no one has the same outlook on life.
But I hope I never change. No matter how much more difficult situations I need to go through or no matter how much people continue to take a lot out of me… no matter how much people hurt me and step on me, I hope I never change.
Here’s to a new decade of more love for myself and taking care of myself fully before anyone else.
